President Romney's First Hectic Week in Office, Beginning 20 January 2013

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Monday, 12 March 2012

image for President Romney's First Hectic Week in Office, Beginning 20 January 2013
Mr. President

Washington DC: Republican President Mitt Romney and Vice President Marco Rubio were sworn in on the steps of the US Capitol on Saturday 20 January at exactly 12:00 Noon.

The new US chief executives and their families attended several inaugural balls Saturday evening. A small group of Occupy Washington DC protesters showed up at one of the inaugural balls, but were mollified with a bowl of Vichyssoise, some Pate de Foie Gras and a couple of shots of Drambuie.

The president and vice president convened an informal meeting of several high level prospective executive branch political appointees, subject to US Senate confirmation, during the afternoon of Sunday 21 January. A single aide took notes of the proceedings.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has been selected as the Joint Secretary of the Department of Energy (DOE) and the Environmental Protection agency (EPA), TX Representative Ron Paul has been selected as the new Chairman of the Federal Reserve (FED), former AK Governor Sarah Palin has been selected as Secretary of Labor, former CEO Herman Cain has been selected as US Attorney General, MN Representative Michele Bachmann has been selected as the Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS), former PA Senator Rick Santorum has been selected as Secretary of the Department of Education (DOE), Grover Norquist (President of Americans for Tax Reform) has been selected as the head of the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), IN Governor Mitch Daniels has been selected as Secretary of the Department of the Interior (DOI), Texas Corporate Industrialist T Boone Pickens has been selected as Secretary of the Department of Transportation (DOT), former UT Governor Jon Huntsman has been selected as Secretary of State (SoS), TX Governor Rick Perry has been selected as Secretary of Defense and Democratic billionaire Warren Buffett has been selected as Secretary of the Treasury.

President Romney denied rumors that Rush Limbaugh was to be the new White House Press Secretary.

Notifications were made by President Romney on Monday 22 January to several Washington DC federal agency senior management personnel that their agencies will be down-sized via attrition, retirement and reductions in force (RIF) layoffs!

The president is suspending by Executive Orders Obamacare, Dodd/Frank banking regulations and several other pieces of legislation until Congress can officially repeal them. The president is also approving the Keystone oil pipeline construction, lifting the moratorium on oil/gas drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, Alaska, Arctic areas and off the US east and west coasts. Research into "green" energy will continue, but without taxpayer provided subsidies or grants to private sector corporations.

All regulation writing by the EPA, US Fish and Wildlife Service (FWLS) Endangered Species List (ESL) activities, mining regulation activities, etal have been suspended by the president until cost benefit analysis can be performed. President Romney is also expected to take a harder stance on illegal immigration than his predecessor.

Additionally, the president announced that US foreign policy will be subject to a complete review on a country by country basis, with specific attention to unfriendly nations.

The new Republican Congress, having been sworn in earlier in the month, convened Tuesday 23 January to begin deliberating on President Romney's preliminary legislative agenda for his first 100 days in office, which was delivered to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). Republicans have retained their large majority in the US House, while in the US Senate only a few seats give the Republicans the majority. Vice President Rubio may be called upon to resolve tie votes, especially over divisive social issues involving women's rights such as abortion and contraception, unless Blue-Dog Democrats vote with the Republicans. The US Supreme Court could get involved in whether any enacted legislation involving these social issues is constitutional.

Legislation for a balanced budget, balanced budget Constitutional amendment, deficit reduction, national debt reduction, immigration reform, US southern border control, energy, transportation, jobs and the economy, defense and regulation reduction are all being scheduled by the new Congressional leadership. Republicans have offered Democrats the same bipartisan seat at the negotiating table that the GOP was offered during the previous Democratic administration!

Traffic jams were reported by various state police officials on Wednesday 24 January along Interstate 95, 65 and 5. Democratic uber-liberals are heading north to Canada in their Toyota Prieses and Chevy Volts towing cases of wine in trailers. Illegal immigrants have been observed headed south to the Mexican border.

Airports experienced a higher than normal volume of foreign travel on Thursday 25 January, as reported by the Transportation Security Administration's (TSA) increased number of pat down searches. The elevated air traffic flow is attributed by TSA to rabid environmentalists and the food police relocating from the USA to Africa, Venezuela and Brazil. Members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and other animal rights organizations, carrying their faux furs, were seen boarding flights to Papaya New Guinea.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) closed up 800 points on Friday 26 January.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more