Pols pander to pig values - voters needs no big tent

Written by alaskamojo

Tuesday, 6 March 2012


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Middle Ages the New Future

Recent video clips show sparsely attended Republican Party presidential primary campaign rallies in oversized venues.

Rather than broaden its base, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today the party was achieving its goal of becoming a "small tent" political party in which moderates, independents, even mainstream Republicans and people of faith who believe in the absolute separation of church and state, college grads and now women "are not invited to the Party."

Priebus said he was "heartened" by a private Rasmussen poll that confirmed "what we already knew" that the party's spectrum of support now ranges from "a few non elitist male conservatives on the right to what we pridefully call our pig values voters on the far out apeshit right... I'd gladly sacrifice three rationally minded voters of some equanimity for every one voter who would never miss a Rush Limbaugh broadcast," Priebus rationalized as if trying to convince himself.

He credited the party's presidential candidates' tacit (if not expressed) approval or possibly "grudging criticism" of Limbaugh's latest ignorant, degrading, hateful and misogynistic on air three day diatribe directed at contraceptive using women for putting the party "over the top."

"Had our candidates not handled this matter with graceful aplomb, they risked alienating Rush and our treasured golden pig values voters," Priebus summed up nicely.

Barely containing his glee, the appreciative RNC Chair phoned each of the candidates to thank them profusely as slack jawed journalists looked on and took notes. He praised them for their "collective genius" in "ever so gently and carefully whimpering" only about the "choice" of words "slut" and "prostitute" that Limbaugh branded young student and private figure, Sandra Fluke, who testified before a congressional committee regarding the many women's health benefits of contraceptives besides preventing conception (Unlike all previous experts who were deemed qualified to testify by Republican Chair Darrell Issa merely by showing they could spell "uterus" and "clitoris," Ms. Fluke was seen as offering a somewhat unique perspective inasmuch as she actually owned lady parts).

"You courageouslessly sidestepped the slightest hint of disgust or condemnation for Rush's on air offer of free contraceptives and aspirin to Ms. Fluke or any other especially attractive young woman who would take video of herself having sex while using the free birth control and post it online for Rush and all to view," a now manic or possibly just excited flushly faced Priebus told Mitt Romney before hanging up the phone.

"You would be surprised how many of our more astute backers believe as Rush believes that women use contraceptives as men use Viagra, that is to heighten sexual delight rendering it as slutty as possible," Priebus said happily or possibly dejectedly.

Priebus said the Republican Senate's recent consideration of the Blunt II amendment is perhaps the biggest factor thrusting the party towards its goal of one party rule. Though defeated 51-48, this amendment would have forced a woman seeking an abortion to undergo a medically unnecessary and very invasive trans vaginal ultrasound and one trying to score some contraceptive drugs to undergo a "dunk" procedure to determine if she is a witch.

"If she does not float she is not made of wood and therefore NOT... A WITCH, pure and simple," explained amendment sponsor Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) on the senate floor.

"It is high time we return to the severely spiritual science scoffing values that made the Middle Ages the exact midpoint between the Age of Dinosaurs and present day," Blunt went on.

"Unflagging devotion to the First Amendment religious freedom to impose one's faith on all justifies even rape by ultrasound gadget, in which case the woman should just lie back and enjoy it,"Blunt reasoned above the din of startled gasps.

When a voice from the senate gallery pointed out that all the non witches will have drowned under Blunt's proposal, the visibly irritated senator shot back: "But none I REPEAT NONE of these drowning victims ever will have used birth control unless she got it in some back alley somewhere... or something, Mr. Fancy Pants."

Obviously distressed, soon-to-retire Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME), the lone Republican to oppose Blunt's measure, appeared lost on the senate floor. She lowered her head, shook it sadly and even broke down in tears at one point as Blunt explained his newly offered Limbaugh-Blunt-Slut rider.

By its terms, employers would be empowered to use "enhanced inquisition techniques," stocks, racks, and even guillotines to flush out suspected contraceptive abusing women "but ONLY if it is OK with her employer," stressed Blunt. Under the measure's "666 strikes and you're out" provision, resort to the guillotine would be the "last" resort reserved for the 666th time a woman is caught in possession of birth control drugs.

"I think we can safely say a woman caught 666 times is beyond rehabilitation and hopelessly under the influence of birth control drugs and the Prince of Darkness," Blunt concluded woefully.

The clearly agitated Senator Snowe raced from the chamber. Before disappearing in the senate ladies room, she muttered something about feeling "repulsed" and that Blunt's speech made her "want to throw up."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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