London based futures trader Martin Susspeck is planning to short his own wife's investment in the future successor to Queen Catherine Middleton.
"Daft cow has it in her head if she times the next pup proper, the kid can marry William and Kitty's first born, making my wife Queen Mother-in-Law," the loud-mouthed, louty, but extremely successful City man was overheard braying on the 7:09 to Waterloo. "She's worked it all out. Got a big chart 'angin' in the conservatory. She did maff for them insurance bastwards before our first, li-ul Madison, an' the way she adds 'er up, if we start having it off again in 2013, we'll be sitting in St. Paul's Caffedral sometime around 2038."
But Susspeck, no slouch in screwing profit out of long odds, has his own plan.
"Way I see it, if I get myself hooked up 'wif a secret vasectomy before then, I can situate myself for the longest stretch since we married, all whilst appearing to support the cause. If she questions any swelling of my boys, I'll just tell her I took a blow at the rugby. Well, it's open season, innit? Now that bit from Berkshire got over the fence, it's anybody's game. Haven't been looking forward to sumping this much since I was into derivatives at Goldman."