Sunday, 21 November 2010

image for Royal Family 'Relieved and Delighted' by Queen Camilla Blunder
"#@% *&^%$$!!" The Duke of Edinburgh

Buckingham Palace reverted to form today following the Prince of Wales' latest ham-fisted attempt to have his own way at all costs. The self-indulgent balls up followed several days of confusion and unease at Court, in the wake of the Susan-Boyle-Singing-I-Dreamed-a-Dream-the-First-Timesque public and media enthusiasm that followed the announcement Prince William of Diana is to marry a very patient girl from the posh Shires.

"There is a growing concern here," said an unnamed reporter who has infiltrated the palace posing as a particularly unattractive piece of statuary, "that the young couple may actually live a normal, happy life together. They've no idea what to make of it. And, naturally, they can't leave well enough alone. So while unhelpful, largely unpalatable, and certainly threatening to the long term future of the monarchy, the Prince of Wales' announcement couldn't have come at a better time."

Trying in their different ways to cope, the Royal Family fast returned to its usual custom of petty bickering via proxy, opportunistic passive-aggression, and cold indifference interspersed with pointed hostility.

First off the mark was the Duke of Edinburgh, who spent a solid hour shouting out the window of the North Wing: "Stupid bloody wanker! Stuuuuuuuupid blooooody waaaaaaaaanker!" upon being presented with an eighteen inch pile of clippings resulting from the Prince of Wales' artless attempt to carpet bomb the notion of Queen Camilla into the hearts and minds of people.

Reliable sources say following the outburst the Queen adopted that really pissed off pursed-lip look she gets when forced to consider anything other than horses, pedigreed Labradors or jig saw puzzles, and in the presence of the her private secretary muttered "Yes, quite."

The well established cue prompted the Queen's PS to then place a diplomatic call to his counterpart at Clarence House, and relay the Royal couple's fury in the most circuitous and flowery terms possible. After staff at Clarence House parsed the subtext, the Prince of Wales was advised he had officially stepped in it again in a note on organic hemp parchment written by a deputy assistant using a feather in a garret lit by an organic beeswax candle. The Prince then cancelled his diary for the rest of the month in order to brood over who to complain to first.

Under stress, Camilla, Duchess of Co-Respondent, retreated to her private country home to feast on a carton of Marlies and suspend any effort to brush her hair. The Princess Royal spent the day in Blackpool hissing insults at seniors who endured several patient hours of waiting in the freezing cold to greet her. Prince Edward undertook a series of private engagements in Soho.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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