Written by Nick Hobbs

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

image for Prostitute Talks Exclusively About Rooney's Ball Control!
Rooney, useless footballer, useless lover. Bit of a dick all round, really!

As Wayne Rooney's marriage falls down around his exceptionally large ears, a question must be answered. Did he show more ball control during his £1200 per night romps with a lady of the night, than he did in the World Cup?

Well the answer, it seems, is no.

Juicy Jeni has reportedly told a very discreet reporter that his sex shenanigans were 'very plain'. The £75,000 interview lasted 4 and a half minutes, and she revealed Rooneys deepest innermost workings.

"He lusted after me for months," said the slapper, "he kept texting me, but I knew the longer I held out, the more money I'd make when I went to the press!"

She first met Rooney at the zoo, where he was visiting relatives at the Gorilla enclosure. "He was so sweet to begin with, not much of a talker, more non-descript grunts and gurgles! He took me shopping, and we saw the new Shrek movie too."

"He often got angry though, when he didn't get his own way! He'd beat his chest and jump on the sofa, I always felt sorry for Coleen having to live with that side of him, as he was doing me from behind!"

"I didn't mind all the dribbling over my pitch so much, but the celebrations after he'd banged one in my net were a bit over the top!" she mused, "all that running about with his shirt over his head, I'm sure he only did that because the neck hole wasn't wide enough to get the shirt off!"

"But I always felt sorry for Coleen, I mean what kind of man does that to his pregnant wife?" she continued, "As I was chasing him all that time and when I was satisfying his every sexual desire for cash, I'd think what a bastard this guy is! He deserves all he gets from the fans! What a creep!"

Her fifteen minutes of fame have been kickstarted, but she is concerned about her future. "Now Big Brother has finished, I'm not sure what my options are for when the headlines dry up. I've got a couple of little things to reveal, just to keep things rolling for a while longer, but I might have to sort something more long term."

I asked Jennifer if she felt guilty.

"Guilty? Is he West Ham or Chelsea? Don't remember! I've definately felt S***** G and M**** R*******! Don't remember a Guilty! Is he French?"

Stupid slut.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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