Written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

image for Coleen Rooney ' weeping madonna' crop circle appears on Old Trafford pitch
Detail from today's Scoreboard End pitch etching

Manchester - (Theatre of Nuptial Dreams Mess): A naked, pre-lactating and heavily pregnant Colleen Ruini pitch etching has appeared on the club's famous Stretford Wives End.

The 100ft diameter image depics Wayne Rooney's missus talking on a mobile to PR guru Max Cliffhanger.

A bejewelled Jimmy Choo on her left foot crushes a coiled Jennifer Thompsonesque serpent while a second snake-in-the-grass slithers away.

Rivulets of tears streaming down Coleen's puffy face are precisely aligned to the pitch's Scorebord End - at a 'beastly' angle of 66.6 degrees.

Now known as the East Stand its tinted glass fa├žade is said to be hewn from the same polarized, scratch-resistant glass as Mrs R's diamond-encrusted $5,000 Aviators.

In recent days the glare of publicity has penetrated the bright and shiny veneer perfected by Man U Wags and their cheap-end imitators.

And today's crop circle emanation might be the last straw, wannabe Premiership shaggers admitted in private.

"This time Rooney's really scored," Vanessa Perroncel's divorce consultant told reports this afternoon.

Wednesday's Virgo New Moon could have a bloody nose attached to it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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