Written by Jeremy Paxman

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

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image for Rooneygate: Did Sponsor Slogans Drive Wayne Rooney to Jennifer Thompson?
Rooney on cheating on his wife: "You Can't Beat The Feeling"

In a startling outburst to assembled journalists and world media waiting at the Swiss airport where the England Team arrived ahead of their crucial match against Switzerland, Wayne Rooney snarled at reporters as he gave "me own version of events an tha like"

"Well, yer know, firstly an tha, I wanna apologise an tha to all dem other women I've been shaggin who ain't been mentioned in all of this, yewz all will get yer chance to be famous an tha for 5 minutes soon I promise yuz" babbled Rooney when he was asked whether he had anything to say to the woman in his life.

When asked if he had any explanation for his behaviour, Rooney exploded into a tirade against his sponsors, "well, yuz can all blame Nike cos dey told me to 'Just Do It'. EA Sports kept tellin me tha 'it's in a game' so they woz obviously inferrin tha I shud be goin with birds who are on the game and tha. Worstly, all the time Coca Cola were purely eggin me on by sayin 'You Can't Beat The Feeling'. I'm just an innocent victim in all of this, I've bin misled by me sponsors innit."

Nike and Coca Cola were quick to rebutt the allegations and were both quoted in The Guardian today saying (uncannily) exactly the same thing: "This is a private matter for Wayne and his family". Perhaps they meant to say, "this is a family matter for Wayne and his privates", we'll never know.

One reporter asked Rooney directly about whether Jennifer Thompsons allegations were true and he provided a telling insight into his pea sized brain with his response, "I wanna make it completely clear that I never texted her 'cos I can't write like and errr, that errr, I didn't know she was brass like 'cos I thought everyone got paid for givin a brief performance - people keep givin me huge wads of cash and free trabs for little or no reason so it jus seemed normal to me like."

Asked lastly whether - with all the media attention and increased pressure - he would score in Switzerland, Rooney said "well, I hope so, I heard there's a good brass house downtown but it's obviously a lot more pressure for me to score an tha now 'cos you lot are watchin me every move like. I'd just be happy with an assist for Gerrard, he's on the pull now he's been bin bagged by Alex. Or just a quick header, I don't mind."

Fabio Capello was far from clear on his thoughts about his star striker as he mumbled to journalists, "Mi rivolgo a voi in italiano perché non ho idea di che cosa sto facendo in questo lavoro. Io sono clueless. Se continuo a parlare italiano poi magari andrà via."

Thankfully, this reporter speaks fluent Italian and Capello said "I am speaking to you in Italian because I have no idea what I'm doing in this job. I am clueless. If I continue to speak Italian then perhaps you will just go away."

Several other English players were EXTREMELY sheepish as they skulked past the press horde looking like they had something to hide. Wonder what possible reason that could be for? Aside from several other revelations likely to drop in the coming weeks, the skank fame hungry prostitute at the centre of the Rooney claims has allegedly slept with 13 other footballers as well as Wayne, several of whom are married. Clearly, there are a lot of very nervous guys out there who are probably having very nervous conversations with their partners...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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