Outer Hebrides - (Fishy Tales): Are stowaway Somali pirates really going to poison the Queen in her Pride of Loch Ness suite on Friday - just to upstage Chelsea Clinton's wedding day headlines?
A posse of Royal Navy anti-sabotage officers searched the MV Hellfire Hebridean Princess from top to bottom today after HM barricaded herself in the sumptuous stateroom, armed only with a sawn-off shotgun and some used Northumbrian Police Farce tasers.
All aboard the refurbished former Herald of Freak Enterprise car ferry were frisked by RN security who reported finding the usual cached contraband in the royal party's deepest crevices.
The haul included AK-47's, half a hundredweight of crack cocaine, dozens of Koh-i-Noor diamond replicas and 500 forged Libyan passports destined for Mossad HQ.
No pesky foreign renegades were found, however - if one discounts the flatulent Soviet ragbag of royal lookalikes that passes off these days as members of the House of Windsor.
The yacht's captain later briefed security crew that hallucinations, delusions of grandeur and paranoia often take over the elderly on these jaunts.
"I blame the Blue Men of the Minch - the storm kelpies," Capt Horatio Pugwash commented.
"They maraud the bleak stretches of water between Lewis and the mainland looking for paranoiacs to drown and stricken boats to sink.
"I can see it's been preying on the Old Girl's mind."
The cruise was nearly cancelled earlier this month after a previous boat party reported being stalked by Searrach Uisge - a serpent-like monster normally occupying Loch Suainbhal.
Sarah, Duchess of York, is 69.