Professor Stephen Hawking has finally admitted what we had all suspected for many years. He is, in fact, an alien from the planet Thaal. He was sent to earth in 1964 on a mission to find intelligent life. Sadly, he believes that his mission has been a total failure.
Hawking explained "With millions of human beings on this planet the mathematical chances of there being somebody intelligent were pretty good. However, I cannot explain things like Eastenders, Adrian Chiles, the Liberal Democrat Party or the spoof.com. Intelligence appears to be absent from planet Earth."
There have been frequent sightings of aliens, often discounted as hoaxes. Hawking now says that most of these events really were hoaxes, created to test human reaction. "My planet created the Roswell incident. It wasn't real. We hoped that it would be obvious. Some of you still believe it."
Hawking is disappointed that soon he will have to leave. "I will be beamed up soon. I will miss the place. Ok, it's pretty stupid, but I like to relax with a bottle of Merlot and a good spliff. You can't get that on Thaal."