TV Chef, Heaton Bloomingspall OBE, has sensationally claimed that he has the answer to combat childhood obesity.
Speaking from the en-suite laboratory situated in his luxurious marshmallow penthouse in Bolton (yes, it really is in Bolton) he said, "the main reason that these school kids won't eat the "Jamie" type food on offer is that lunch time is too boring". He went on to say, "if meal times were made more fun then the school canteens would be full...of lean, well fed, happy kids".
His plan, he explained, is to put an additive into the stock, gravy, and ketchup which will alter the school kids' perception of food whilst, at the same time, give them the munchies and fits of the giggles.
Mr Bloomingspall refused throw light on the secret "additive" but said it had been secretly tried and tested on schoolchildren in the area with minimal or no "serious" side effects.
"When I was in school", he continued, "we made our own fun. We had a game called "eat the peas" and another popular game was "Potato no potato". "Our school topped the "least leftovers" table for six years running" he proudly announced. "But it's different now", he proclaimed, "if you want to get the kids of today to do anything you have to drug them or, if you can't afford the drugs, give them a severe beating".
In the style, with which he has become famous, the famous TV Chef expertly explained his proposal in detail using cocktail sausages, napkins, and nitro-poached jelly beans.
Mr Bloominspall, who recently hit the headlines for suspected breaches of building regulations, was "optimistic" and said that his meeting with Mr Brown was "very well received - once the little misunderstanding had been cleared up".
If, as is widely predicted, this revolutionary scheme is brought in we shall soon be seeing a number of changes in the school dining halls - including:
- The abolition of standard crockery (to be replaced with "food gloves" (patent pending).
- The shortening of one leg of each table and chair.
- Teachers, through the medium of Fancy Dress, will serve themed, yet nutritious, food.
- Food Fights will be mandatory for all over 13 year olds (unless a doctor's certificate is produced).
"it might seem a little eccentric", he mused, "but they laughed at Winston Churchill when he tried to enforce cigar lessons........and, as my mum used to say, a happy kid is a drugged kid".
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