Redneck Publishes Roadkill Cookbook

Funny story written by Daniel Bristol

Monday, 8 February 2010


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Elmer Dinkley: The Roadkill Gourmet

Cousinpoke, Alabama -- Gourmands and publishers alike are basking in the success of America's latest gourmet genius. Elmer Dinkley, 47, former tractor-pull aficionado and trapper burned up the New York Times Bestseller list this week with the publication of his first cookbook, entitled "Them's Good Eatin'!"

"Them's Good Eatin'!" explores America's last culinary frontier: redneck roadkill. Featuring such backwoods delicacies as Flattened Squirrel Au Crevette and Roasted Possum Kidneys garnished with Buffalo Piss, redneck roadkill is the hottest new gastronomic phenomenon for those keen on curling up in the corner and throwing up for a spell.

Dinkley's new cookbook will take readers into the hitherto undiscovered world of the redneck gourmand, redolent with cheap beer and Hamburger Helper without the hamburger. Many of the book's recipes are Dinkley's own concoctions, such as his "Skunk Splatter Stew," which makes clever use of artichoke hearts and sterno. However, some of the main courses featured in "Them's Good Eatin'!" are new twists on traditional redneck favorites, such as "Mama's Horse Testicles" where Dinkley introduces his own take on this backwoods mainstay that adds a zesty teriyaki tang to the taste of freshly slaughtered nagballs.

The book also features sidedishes that seem to come straight out of your favorite scenes from Deliverance. In one chapter, Dinkley recommends a simple tub of mayonnaise slurped through a straw as a compliment to a wide variety of main courses. Dinkley's own battered and deep-fried catfish guts recipe is a crunchy yet picquant side for many squirrel dishes, and can also be used as a garnish.

"I like me some of that thar roadkill," said Dinkley, happily munching on southern fired Rocky Mountain oysters at a book-signing engagement in New York. "It done tasted good." Dinkley then introduced Spoof reporters to his wife and sister, who were the same girl. "She done maked good possum firtters." Said Dinkley.

Dinkley said he could not comment on rumors that he has been approached by the Food Network to produce a roadkill cooking show called, "The Redneck Gourmet," but confirmed that "Ah done had me a chaw o'terbakky!" He then spit on the floor and did something really disgusting.

"Them's Good Eatin'!" is currently available in most book stores whose owners no longer give a damn.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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