Nick Clegg to nation-we are NOT irrelevant

Funny story written by James Jameson

Monday, 11 January 2010

image for Nick Clegg to nation-we are NOT irrelevant
even with 2% of the polls Prime Minister Brown does not see the Lib Dems as a credible threat

At a recent press conference Nick Clegg of the Liberal Democrats hit back at accusations that his party was irrelevant.

"Just because we will never ever hold government does not make us irrelevant" he told a rather apathetic crowd of around 2 people. "I want to thank the dozens of supporters and voters and assure them that we are ready to lose the next election and when we do we will be right there to claim that actually we won a moral victory...actually."

When asked about the relevance of a party that will never see government, Clegg responded "the UK needs a party like us to criticise government efforts, nitpick whinge about how things would be better under our party and make stupid and outrageous promises knowing full well we will never be called upon to deliver."

The second and last question as there were only 2 people in attendance was about Clegg's opinion on the other 2 major parties. He charged both Brown and Cameron of doing nothing to improve Britain and of feeding the negative feeling of the British voters with cynical business as usual politics before formally offering to enter in a coalition with either or both of them to get into government.

As for the promised policy changes-Clegg will be fighting the election with a radical 200% tax on all those who earn more than a pittance in an effort to slay the recession-the policy is known as "operation wealth steal" an extension of previous Lib Dem economic policies. He is also promising unicorns for all no pollution and that everything will brilliant and super forever and ever and ever until the Tories got back in. He also promised hot summers, white Christmas' and that England will win every football tournament until the next century-one policy that even some Lib Dem hardliners are calling unrealistic.

Clegg also used the opportunity to unveil some of the proposed slogans for the next election. These ideas included "bigger than UKIP" "2 out 10 voters are probably not wrong" "whats harm could it do" "might as well-we're not going to win anyways" and the popular "we are NOT irrelevant."

The Conservative Party refused to comment stating that they had had better things to do and sources say that even at 2% the Labour Party do not regard the Liberal Democrats as any kind of a threat.

In regards to Clegg's offer of a pact a senior Conservative was heard to be laughing so hard that he spilt his port all over his Telegraph at the club.

In the Labour camp, a Minister was heard remarking "oh right a Lib Dem pact-that will keep us in government if there is one thing those people know how to do its win elections...wankers"
Vince Cable also sent out a press release to all major media outlets but it was ignored as it was from the Lib Dems and was therefore dismissed as irrelevant.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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