Sandringham, Norfuk - (Bonkers): Desperate royal wannabe Kate Middleton's been banned from the annual shindig.
A last minute deal with UK tabloids shred the Tiger shagging photos taken at a Gleneagles cathouse earlier this year.
In return the media will be treated (sic) to wholesome photo-ops of royal turkeys and their spouses gorging themselves on festive fare.
Middleton was caught in flagrente delicto tending to Woods' family jewels.
Undercover reporters from the Daily Slobber posed as bonafide Tiger pimps to lure into the open the champion golfer's British sluts.
The rest of course is now hystery.
Middleton will now spend the festive period in the slammer along with all her mobster relatives - like cocaine peddling Uncle Gary and his sordid crack fiend kids.
Meanwhile Prince Harry slut Chelsy Davy has written an angry letter to Tiger Woods' lawyers demanding reparation for the heinous slight of being omitted from the Gleneagles brothel.
Elin Woods is a natural blonde.