LONG BEACH, California - The Up For The Count Boxer Briefs Company based in Long Beach, has just signed Tiger Woods to a nice long contract.
Company spokesperson Archer "Shorts" Wickenbird said that lately Mr. Woods advertising sponsors have been dropping his cheatin' ass, for want of two better more properly fitting words, left and right.
And it is no secret that with each new sponsor that drops Tiger Woods, he stands to lose literally tons of money in future endorsement earnings.
One advertisement agency who deals in the financial world of dollars and cents, The TViewing Dollars and Cents Agency has said that projected over the next five years alone, the fact that Mr. Woods could just not seem to keep his wandering pecker in his pants, will probably end up costing him about one billion dollars, yes billion with b as in babes, broads, bimbos, and bitches.
The Up For The Count Boxer Brief Company, an impressive, progressive, aggressive, fairly new corporation has reached out to Eldrick Tont Woods in his time of need and asked him to jump on the boxer briefs bandwagon, so to speak.
And Up For The Count is thrilled to say that they got one hell of a deal. They had initially been negotiating with Charlie Sheen who wanted $1.3 million.
But when "Golf Gate" hit a quick thinking advertisement executive, named Pamela Waltonflicker, who just happens to look a lot like most of the members of Tiger's "Scorecard Cutey Club" suggested that she could probably work out a deal for a lot less than what Tiger usually gets and even a lot less than what they were set to pay Mr. Sheen.
Miss Waltonflicker, a 27-year-old divorced ex-nympho with measurements of 38-22-36, was given the opportunity to try and sway Mr. Woods to join the Up For The Count Boxer Brief Company team.
It took three emails, two text messages, and a dinner at the most expensive and most romantic restaurant in Long Beach, La Casa Chulas Nalgas Mexican Restaurant but Miss Waltonflicer was able to bring Eldrick the Dick, as his wife Elin has nicknamed him, on board the Up For The Count team.
Company CEO and founder Nolan Cashewski was ecstatic as he said, "The amazingly lovely and exceptionally talented Pammy Waltonflicker signed the world's greatest golfer to a five year, $8,000 per year contract!"
THE GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS DEPARTMENT: The good news. Local reporters off the coast of Santa Barbara, California are reporting that well-known oyster hunter, Timmy Bluffity of San Diego found a gigantic oyster with a pearl inside of it at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. They reported that the pearl was the size of an NFL regulation football.
The bad news. When Mr. Bluffity was being pulled back up to the boat he was suddenly swallowed by a giant orca whale. No sign as of yet of the pearl or of Mr. Bluffity.