Bishop Podraig O'Malley of Birmingham today admitted that people in the city are having sex most of the time. Speaking from a desk at Aston University, he told us:
"When you do that Google Earth thing, you can see all the streets, and the buildings, but what you can't see is all the people having sex.
"They're all at it these days. Gays, straights, people role playing, over desks in offices, in grubby boiler rooms, the backs of cars, up against walls, in toilets, I don't know what it is, but people seem to be mad for it these days. Forget drink and drugs. Sex is the new Rock And Roll!"
O'Malley's colleague, the Bishop Of Dudley, blamed satellite TV for the resurgent interest in sex. He said that most programmes screened by many TV channels showed nothing but sexually orientated material.
O'Malley then chipped in to blame the internet too, saying:
"Most people only have the internet to access porn. I logged onto an internet satirical website the other day, and most of the content on there concerned large penises, large vaginas, and spies doing the Full Monty to salivating women."
And the name of this website? We enquired.
"TheSpoof.com" O'Malley told us. "It was actually rather funny. I've signed up with them as a writer. My screen name is 'The Bishop' and I'm going to be posting a lot of stories about the man with the world's longest foreskin."
More as we get it