We all look back on our youth through rose-tinted spectacles, remembering our naive wide-eyed innocence and conveniently forgetting how we bullied other youths; weaker, uglier and less popular youths - often demanding money and cutting their faces with a scalpel if they didn't reciprocate, or a few days spent in the 'hot-box of hell' to give them time to think about it. They always paid up.
Yes, our teenage years, oft fraught and confusing, but in our dotage we recall how vibrant and sexual we were, bursting with sperm. I remember frequently ejaculating in my sleep; the first time shocking and embarrassing, but subsequent occasions more and more thrilling, so much so that sleep was my one and only goal. To sleep, perchance to come. Strangely the most popular place for my furious frisson frenzies took place in old nylon sleeping bags, either while staying the night at a friend's house or out on camping holidays with the cub scouts. There was the time that it happened when I fell asleep in Religious Education. Good old God, always sent me into reverie.
As I became older, these moments of joy receded until they finally stopped. The last, a disappointing dream involving a politician, possibly Thatcher or John Major snogging me and pulling me off, until I shot a minimal load into some Izal toilet paper that I had strategically put into place before I drifted off, just in case.
Now, I can't remember. It seems so long ago that I awoke all sticky and sweaty, panting and confused with an image of Farrah Fawcett-Majors bouncing around in my hormone-intoxicated mind. Does anybody, remember anything, anymore?
As my mother always used to tell me, "You can't change the past, but you can change your pants!" Advice that I will take to the grave with me; literally so, inasmuch as I have a codicil in my Last Will & Testament stating that upon my death, my children will receive nothing unless my pants are changed every day. You never know, it may just happen again. I am hoping so.
Do you have an inane story about something that makes you think that you are the only person that has experienced it before? If so then drop us a line and we might publish it, but we probably won't as most of the articles we print are about our friends or ourselves. We do like reading your dirty laundry though.
