An anonymous businessman has offered a huge reward for a lost film print, which nobody seems absolutely certain ever existed.
"I'm not totally convinced of its existence," he admitted. "But I'm assured that it does indeed exist, that its a masterpiece of the film-makers craft, and if anybody can deliver a print to my office there's a million smackaroonies on the table in crisp new notes. Just waiting."
We were somewhat skeptical, as we tend to be so we contacted film historian and archivist Les Bean for the usual cup of tea and advice.
"I haven't seen it myself," Les told us. "But I've heard whispers. It's an African film I believe. It's the grail of the film business."
Which left us right back where we started. Thanks a lot Les. Finally, in a last desperate roll of the dice we hit paydirt.
Clayton LeMoors, a Zimbabwean big game hunter who once felled a charging bull elephant by shooting it in the eye with an air rifle, told us:
"Such a film does exist. It's title is 'Jock Of The Bush Veldt' and my grandfather was in it. It was filmed in Zimbabwe and it won an Oscar."
We scoured the record books and could find no trace of any 'Jock Of The Bush Veldt' anywhere. So we rang our favourite sometime pink bearded Jock, who told us:
"Can ye imagine that? A skinny wee Scotsman in kilt and full regalia, stalking game in the African Veldt? Wi' only an empty whisky bottle for a weapon? Jesus!"
LeMoors was unimpressed by the subtle irony:
"Jock was a bull mastiff," he sniffed haughtily.
More as we get it. But hopefully not.
This spoof writer eats shit yet again after finding Jock Of The Bushweld on Ewe Tube. I also hereby claim the reward.
I would have sworn it was a wind-up.....