In an effort to combat the obesity epidemic running rife through Britain £30million has been earmarked to five towns and cities across the UK to allow the to fight the flab.
Manchester Council leader Pat Carnivore is to receive £10million of the pot to get Manchester fighting fit.
"We're thinking of using the money to buy fruit," Carnivore said, "I just hope that people eat it this time, we had to give the last lot to a Smoothie bar on Deansgate."
With 25% of adults and 20% of children now considered overweight, it is suggested that the money will be insufficient in shifting the fat. "What we need," said Tam Fry of the National Obesity Forum (who is considering changing his name by deed poll to Tam Grill), "Is ten times that so we can go to every fat bastard's house and yell at them until they put the cake down and do twenty push-ups."
The Conservative Party already have a plan in place for tackling obesity. "We're going to put a heavy duty on pastries." Cameron said on Brunch with Frost, "The duty from fuel is going towards tackling global warming and from cigarettes and alcohol towards medical care, it is only fair that fatties contribute extra too. Pretty soon people will have to choose between drinking, driving, smoking and being chubby; you won't be able to do them all."
Cameron has already alienated drinkers with his plan to scrap cheap booze, and now he is aiming to alienate cake lovers and chocaholics everywhere. "How can anybody object to a cream bun costing more than a litre of petrol?"
The interview was terminated when Cameron's maniacal laugh continued for more than five minutes.