Offshore banks to ease credit crunch

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 23 October 2008

image for Offshore banks to ease credit crunch
Lloyds' new Chiswick branch

After a massive influx of cash into the UK Banking system, the banks have decided that the best way to ease the credit crunch is to set up offshore banks.

The chairmen and directors of the 'Big Three' (HBOS, Lloyds-TSB) have bought large ocean going yachts to act as corporate headquarters. These multi-million pound vessels are to be anchored in international waters near the South of France and staffed by Filipino masseurs and Polish dancers.

All the money that would have been put into the high-street banks will instead be stored on board and used as a reserve in case the bankers run out of crackers and cola. This makes the boats vulnerable to attack from pirates, especially those working for Abbey. The 'Big 3' Banks have asked that the treasury stump up the cash to allow them a permanent navy presence of at least three frigates, and maybe an aircraft carrier.

"We'd like the navy to be present," announced Mayo Hellmans, vice-president of HBOS-L-TSB, who wished to be henceforth known as 'Blackbeard'. "I especially like the really big ships, as they would help us protect the British people's money and look cool. Although, I hope they do not put the ships in the way of the sun, it would hinder my tanning."

On being asked how, exactly, bankers sunning themselves in the Mediterranean would help European economy, Hellmans had this to say: "One of the big worries that people have, is that the banks will run out of money. Well, if all the money is here, with us, that cannot happen. The only reason the banks would run out of money would be if people take it away from the banks. With it here, they cannot get at it. Especially," he added, "With HMS Invisible just of the port bow. Or is it Starboard?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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