Killer Chef Cooked Dead Boyfriend

Funny story written by Rusty

Saturday, 18 October 2008


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"God no, not the 12 inch salami again!"

A wannabe celebrity chef has been found guilty of porking his male lover to death, in a Viagra-fuelled drunken sex romp, with a twelve inch strap-on salami. He then compounded his crime by slicing off several choice cuts of the victim's flesh and cooking them on his garden barbecue.

The 'choice cuts' apparently included chuck, ribs, tenderloins and rump.

Anthony Moorhen, 36, the consolation prize winner of Mr Gay UK 1993, had denied murdering 33-year-old Desmond Titwit, claiming diminished responsibility while under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

However, pieces of cooked human flesh were found in Moorhen's kitchen at Buggery Terrace, the prosecution informed the jury at Smegmadale Crown Court.

Police forensics officers took samples of the barbecued flesh, which they commented tasted 'quite yummy' due the special marinade Moorhen had prepared them in, and determined the DNA matched that of the deceased.

A Beef Wellington containing the deceased's penis was recovered from a refrigerator, which the forensic officers also found 'very tasty'.

The murder was described by prosecutors in court, as 'terrible, horrific and bizarre', and several other choice adjectives that court reporters couldn't be arsed to write down.

The jury was informed the two men had been involved in a relationship 'of some kind' but Moorhen was confused about his sexuality and didn't know whether he wanted an 'Adam and Steve', Madam and Steve, or a Frank and Earnest type affiliation.

Moorhen, a chef at McMongol's Chew and Spew, told the court when he won the Mr Gay UK consolation prize in 1993 he had a girlfriend at the time and was also heavily into sodomizing cormorants and stray cats.

On the day of the killing both men had been drinking White Lightning and meths cocktails before going to the bedroom, where Moorhen claimed the deceased, Desmond Titwit, an unemployed ferret stretcher, had tried to attack him.

"Me 'ead was all fucked up like, yer know. Wot wiv der drink an' der Viagra chasers and all de Ecstacy me an' Dessie 'ad bin swillin' down our bleedin' necks."

"Anyways, Dessie's after getting' into me arse like, but I'm fucked if I knows wot I want. Am I gonna be a taker or a giver? Do I want Dessie's cock up me shitter or should I give 'im one instead. So I does like, gives 'im a Liverpool kiss right on 'is beak to stop der twat maulin' me".

"Then Dessie gets all teary-eyed an' submissive wiv der drink an' me smackin' 'im an goes into one of 'is bondage fetish moods. Then 'e wants me to tie 'im up, so I does like then gives 'im a good rogerin' up the bum wiv 'is strap-on salami, an' then next thing 'e lets out dis weird croakin' noise an' drops fuckin' dead on me, der rotten selfish twat, which wos absolutely bleedin' typical of 'im."

Judge Basildon Quimp, in summing up the case, told the court Moorhen had shown no remorse for the killing, compounding his crime by cooking and eating body parts from the deceased, and keeping the cadaver in his chest freezer for further culinary use.

"Mitigating circumstances might have been considered if the defendant had shared with police the secret of his delicious recipe for preparing the barbecue marinade."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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