Pub Doorways Now Most Popular Places In Britain

Written by Mister Meaner

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

image for Pub Doorways Now Most Popular Places In Britain
Pubs are not so busy these days

Pub doorways and the entrances to shopping centres have now become the most populated places in Britain, according to smokers' groups.

Forced to take their filthy habit outside the workplace, and banned from smoking in public places, smokers are these days to be found in droves, puffing on a fag in the only places left open to them - the aforementioned pub and shop doorways.

Landlords of drinking establishments up and down the country have complained that they have lost more than 60% of takings due to the Smoking Ban, and managers of some of the biggest shopping malls in the UK say that trade is down by 70%.

Reg Battersby, landlord at the Lung & Tar public house in Cheltenham, said:

"Some of my filthiest patrons spend most of their time in the doorway nowadays.
A few don't even bother to come in at all. They just get someone to buy them a pint, and then they spend the rest of the evening outside puffing."

And Guy Erlydeth, managing director of the Esplanade Shopping Centre in Blackpool, told our reporter:

"The entrances are definitely more popular than ever. There are always 50 or 60 people congregated there smoking. It's a bit of a meeting place for them. Some of them have become firm friends after meeting there."

But former Secretary of State for Health - now Not Secretary of State for Anything - Patricia Hewitt, was adamant that the ban had been a success for non-smokers as well as for those determined to die early. She said:

"I don't go into public houses or shopping centres myself, so I remain unaffected by these troublesome convergences."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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