Schick, Gillette Engineering Razorpocalypse

Funny story written by tzdan

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

image for Schick, Gillette Engineering Razorpocalypse
Unassuming shaver or harbinger of doom?

CAMBRIDGE, MA - When King Camp Gillette invented the first disposable blade safety razor in 1904 he probably never imagined a third, fourth, or even fifth blade being added to his beloved shaver. Now, more than one hundred years later, the Gillette Fusion brings us the first five bladed razor, and though some see it as a true innovation in shaving, one that allows for the closest shave ever, for others it is a sign of impending doom.

One of the latter is Dr. Charles Blount of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a researcher with a little too much time on his hands, who has been keeping a careful eye on the face race being waged by the two safety razor giants Schick and Gillette. Recently, the professor has noticed an alarming trend in terms of the accelerated rate at which additional blades are being applied to the traditional safety razor design.

"First a second, then a third, fourth, and now a fifth blade! This data perfectly matches a hyperbolic curve which reaches infinity by 2015," babbles the excited professor in some sort of incoherent nerd-speak. "This means that by 2015 the safety razor will possess an infinite number of blades, whereby it can no longer be regarded as safe."

But what threat, aside from an extremely nasty case of razor burn, could an infinitely-bladed razor possibly pose?

"The plastics traditionally used in the manufacture of safety razors are incapable of supporting an infinite number of blades," warns the professor. "The hypothetical razor would then collapse in-upon itself, creating a whirling vortex of blades which would consume the universe in its entirety. No living being could possibly sustain the infinite number of minor nicks and cuts that a Schick supernova would incur and survive. The astronomical supply of toilet-paper needed to stem the bleeding is mind-boggling."

While some may think Dr. Blount a mere mad scientist with a beard obsession bordering on the perverse, there are others who share the professor's prediction of a many bladed doomsday.

"The coming of the Four Blades of the Razorpocalypse hath signaled the end," cries Trac II, the enigmatic leader of the Doomsday cult the Children of Sensor. "Just as The Book foretold the appearance of the Schick Quattro in 2003, so shall the rest of The Great Prophecies come to pass. And the seas shall churn and work themselves into a frothy later and the heavens shall burst forth in a hail of Skin Bracer and precision blades as the forces of Gillette and Schick engage in Razormageddon."

But before you toss your razor in favor of the gnarly beards or fuzzy 'pits more suited to the cast of Lost, consider the razor manufacturers, who are undoubtedly always looking out for your best interest.

"At Gillette, the safety of the consumer is always our top priority," says Rob Sharp, Gillette spokesperson. "Our customers can rest assured future models will all be fitted with the optimum number of lubricating strips to ensure that the blades do not nick or cut, but rather, slide smoothly across the skin, in the unlikely event of a Razorpocalypse."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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