Prime Minister Johnson is on his way out. The booze-stained corridors of Downing Street will soon no longer hear his trotters rattling along, or his coke-fuelled straw-headed blathering. After he has scuttled off into a cosy life of luxury and delusion, someone else must take up the heavy burden of pretending to provide competent leadership to the UK government.
So who will it be? The contenders for the Tory leadership contest are:
- Geoff Scum, 63, a millionaire ex-banker who wants to slash taxes and lower refugees
- Geoffie Smear, 54, a female millionaire ex-manager who wants to lower taxes and slash refugees
- Geoff Filth, 57, a millionaire former layabout who wants to reduce human rights
- Geoff Shitta, 58, a wealthy former accountant, who is also an ethnic minority, and wants to Brexit harder and deeper than ever before
- Geoff Trash, 51, a millionaire ex-car salesman who wants to ban wokeness, including even thinking about wokeness
All of them went to private school, all have a chauffeur and nanny, and all own companies who have benefited from corrupt government handouts during and before the pandemic.
So which if these heroic figures will lead Britain - the kidney of democracy - into the future?
Well don't worry, you don't have to make the difficult choice - unless you're a Tory party member, and then you only get to pick the final two.