Local Man Loses Will To Live

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Tuesday, 21 June 2022

image for Local Man Loses Will To Live
Oh shit, not him again

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock today emerged from a ten year alcohol induced state of inertia in order to announce to a completely disinterested and uncaring world that he has finally lost the will to live.

After working night shifts throughout the Covid pandemic, suffering the total faux pas of Brexit and the rise and fall of irresponsible right wing politicians with really shite hairstyles and some fucker who vaguely resembles a toad, usually named Nigel or somesuch talking bollocks about dinghies full of migrants stealing our jobs and our women, Shuttlecock was quite frankly prepared to roll over and give it all up as bad job.

"We're in a right fucking shit state," Shuttlecock announced as he wobbled off for a quick slash. On his return, he added: "We tried to warn people but they didn't want to know. Now we have to live with the consequences. People knew that Boris Johnson was a proven liar, and that Trump was and is an utter prick in my opinion, but that isn't what made me finally lose the will to live."

At this point, a visibly emotional Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne interjected, saying that Shuttlecock isn't a bad man and that his heart is in the right place.

"Have you actually fucking seen the Spoof dot com lately?" Shuttlecock growled, like a bear that's seen a dog, or a dog that's seen a bear, or perhaps a tiger that's seen two dogs, a bear and a honey badger. "It's fucking crap! It's absolute shite.

"The top writer has a "story" out there about fingering Melania Trump. That's just taking the piss, not remotely funny. It really would make me lose the will to live if actually gave a shit, but I don't, so I suppose I'll just soldier on."

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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