Buckingham Palace - (Riotous): The Queen has instructed Palace footmen to tell Dame Helen Mirren that she is unavoidably detained with a severe bout of rigor mortis should the Oscar and Bafta winner demand her gong lunch at Buck House this week.
The prospect of three hours' dreary Hollywood gossip followed by an open-top bus tour of Central London with the Dame has brought Her Maj out in the sort of rash reserved for Margaret Thatcher and Terry Wogan.
A source close to the Lord Chamberlian Lord Luce-Cannon has hinted that Mirren's Maureen Lipmanesque film portrayal has been panned as a load of old cobblers spun from a Peter Mandelson fantasy that edited out all the best punch-ups after the death of Princess Diana.
"None of the best bits have ever made it past the Palace's internal security camera recordings", said a Palace footman.
"Special Branch confiscating George Bush Senior's howitzer was a classic. So was Marcia William's having to take a we-we before the Archbishop of Canterbury allowed her in to sit on the Westminster Abbey cushions.
"And the old Queen Mum throttling Elton John with her colostomy bag is one priceless bit of footage I'll never part with.
"No wonder none of this made it past the cutting room floor. There would have been a riot."
It is not clear how long Her Maj intends to hold out although the record currently stands at eighteen months in fobbing off Mick Jagger's knighthood and twenty five years for a reciprocal visit from the Pope.
Helen Mirren is 69.
