I sexually harassed myself in the workplace says quarantined home-worker

Funny story written by Danny Soz

Thursday, 3 February 2022

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A 47-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that he made lewd remarks and carried out a number of unwanted sexual advances towards himself while working from home under lockdown

Toby Dell, a graphics designer from Leman Street told The East London Gazette: “The first time it happened was when I tried to commit an inappropriate act with myself just two days after I’d started working from home

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the screen of my PC and realised for the first time just how attractive I was.

“The next thing I knew, I felt my own hand on my knee. I tried slapping it away but I was very persistent and it began moving higher.

“I told myself to stop and that I wasn’t interested, but I refused to listen and began rubbing my private parts over my clothes.

“Before I could call out for help, I had tugged my penis from my trousers and had pleasured myself to a shattering climax.

“I then just cleaned up and carried on as if nothing untoward had happened

“I felt so used and dirty and I just know that this sordid episode will haunt me for the rest of my life.

“I now avoid being alone with myself whenever possible, although it’s difficult when I visit the toilet or when I’m in bed at night.

“I just lie there in the darkness, praying that I won’t feel my own hands wandering over my body as I lie there, helpless and terrified of what I’m going to do to myself”

In other related news, a 32-year-old man from neighbouring Aldgate is taking himself to an industrial tribunal after being forced to watch while he made love to himself during a 7-day self-isolation period last July.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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