6:00. Paintless. The quiz show where the winner is the one with the least paint on them. How much of a mess will this week's contestants make?
7:00. Strictly Come Lancing. The contestants reveal their boils for the judges.
8:00. Great Incontinental Rail Journeys. This week, the train from Frankfurt is delayed because the driver is unable to complete his bowel movements. Michael Portillo attempts to manufacture a laxative from amyl nitrate.
8:30. Ainsley's Cockbook. Ainsley Harriot shows us some of the delicious treats he's whipped up over the last year.
9:00. GödelBox. The television viewers are baffled by the incompleteness theorem of mathematics.
10:00. Lager...with Jools Holland. The ageing pianist samples Fosters direct from the Heineken brewery in Manchester.
11:00. Film: The Hound of Music (1965). Alsatian Hans escapes from the Nazis through the hills to Switzerland with his talented howling.