Even though dear Carrie Symonds has, understandably, not officially answered Boris' proposal - since he has yet to acquire her favourite rug, the Pearled Carpet of Basra, embroidered with one and a half million of the fabled Basra pearls, costing over 5 million dollars, which would perfectly match her gold wallpaper - Johnson is pushing ahead with plans.
"But where to celebrate?" asked the Prime Minister after announcing his wedding will be held in July 2022.
Unsure of where he might or might not be welcome, contingency measures have been outlined, just in case:
- The Queen has refused to rent out her carriage and crown, meaning London is out.
- Chequers management have stated the mansion will not be available in July 2022, staff cannot stand the PM and Carrie abhors the interior design anyway, not blingy enough.
- Scotland is out since by July 2022 visas may be required and personally signed by Empress Nicola, who of course will refuse.
And that's where an old friend of the Great Pretender comes in: Hassam O'Lattery of the Gaza Strip.
"Plenty of beach, sunshine, wonderful location, bang by the Mediterranean, so to say," beamed the PM. "And then, to top it off we'll move on to the Golan Heights for our honeymoon, masses of sand for Wilfred Lawrie to play in, beautiful views, nuptial bliss! We might even get a glimpse of the war in Syria. Terrific! Far better than these silly computer games."
Johnson considers it contemptible that bookmakers Ladbrokes Coral are offering odds of 4-1 for the marriage to last 2 years, and 2-1 for a period of 3 years and longer.
As reasons for divorce, Adultery is favourite at 7-2 - here Johnson has a magnificent track record - Lack of Intimacy is at 8-1 and Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons 12-1. Refusal to Apply Pressed Metal Ceiling Tiles in the Bedroom is a dark horse at 20-1, well worth a flutter, along with Incessant Lying at 25-1 at the time of writing.