Police called in by Number 10, the British Prime Minister’s office, to investigate leaks from government, have revealed they are looking for a fat bastard with orange hair who was seen using the Prime Minister’s phone to send classified documents to unknown people. The description was supplied by a helpful member of the public who wished to remain anonymous but who revealed seeing an orangutan-looking man with a wild expression using his thumbs to type messages on the Prime Minister’s phone.
“We don’t know the identity of this fat bastard”, said Metropolitan Commissioner Cressida Dick. “but we know he has been seen in the company of several different women, suggesting he could be a sleazy fat bastard.”
The government has had to deal with a number of leaks, such as the recent resignation of Defence Minister Captain Johnny Mercer on a matter of principle. The leaks have been happening for years, and even pre-date the Prime Minister’s accession to power. Former Prime Minister Theresa May was so concerned about leaks that she forbade Ministers from bringing their mobile phones to Cabinet meetings.
Do you have any idea who the fat bastard with orange hair could be? If so, please call the police straight-away so he can be arrested.
