Spinster Felicity Dowager from Chutney on the Fritz is buying Valentine's cards for her postman and delivery driver.
Felicity said: 'I am 24, and have never been married, and I am always being told by unhelpful maiden aunts that my best years are behind me, and as the postman and the delivery driver are the only people I have spoken to this year, it seems only fair for them to know that when lockdown restrictions lift, I would love to meet them in a park for a coffee.'
Postman Noriss and delivery driver Glen are both married and have not noticed Felicity at all, even though, on some mornings, she opens the door in her pyjamas.
'To be honest,' said Glen, 'all of this nudity, and enforced conversation is beginning to get boring. I am simply delivering a package you bought from Amazon. We delivery drivers and postmen and women are here to do social service. We are not here to fulfil the romantic longings of complete strangers.'
Milkman Billy Higgins strongly disagrees.