Scotland's alternative vaccine

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Tuesday, 2 February 2021

image for Scotland's alternative vaccine
Scots are queueing round the block to get their Covid-19 heroin rations

The people of Scotland, like the rest of the UK, are suffering during lockdown. But the Scottish government may be about to put a huge smile on their faces.

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has prescribed three grams of heroin to every man, woman and child in Scotland, to see them through the lockdown.

"It's been difficult for all of us," she said. "Many of us have put away a wee bit of skag to get us through the winter, so we thought, why no let us all have some?"

Approximately half the population of Scotland are regular heroin users already, the highest proportion in the world. Delivering the drug to the entire population will be the first time the 50% heroin-use barrier has been broken since the Second Opium War.

Morag McTeacake is a retired tartan artist from Auchermuchty. "I've been an occasional user for the last few months," she said. "I used to be happy with a shortbread biscuit, so when I discovered the H, I was over the moon."

McTeacake was first offered the drug at her local needle exchange, where she usually replaces her knitting needles every two weeks. Fellow knitter Cumbernauld McIrn-Bru gave her her first sample of the addictive opiate, and Morag loved it instantly.

"When I'm knitting on smack, time just flies by," she said. "Last week, I knitted a scarf three miles long, and every time I dropped a stitch, I had an orgasm. We can all do with some o' that."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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