Prince Andrew Footman Defends 'No Sweat' Claim

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 9 August 2020

image for Prince Andrew Footman Defends 'No Sweat' Claim
Open wide, your Highness

Prince Andrew, who has been keeping a very low profile since his squirming 'car crash' Newsnight interview with Emily Maitlis, last November, served to destroy his public reputation, has been defended over his claim that he "cannot sweat", by a Buckingham Palace footman.

Charles Frobisher, 78, a Palace employee for 60 years, and one of a long line of Frobishers who have been in royal service stretching back for more than three centuries, has said that Prince Andrew's claim is "absolutely true", and his word should not be doubted.

Indeed, said the footman, not only is the royal's body not able to sweat, it has forgotten how to sweat, through a lack of any sort of employment during the last 60 years.

Said Frobisher:

"I've been in royal service since I was 18 years old, in the year the Prince was born. I do everything for him.

He explained what "everything" entailed:

"I serve his meals, cut his pork chops up, feed him, hold his glass whilst he sips his wine, dab his mouth with a napkin. Then, when he's finished, I clean his teeth for him."

When the Prince is relaxing, Frobisher is on-hand.

"I turn the TV on and change channels for him, turn the pages of books when he's reading, although, sometimes, I read the books to him myself, especially if it's a bedtime story."

Prince Andrew also has other needs, and Frobisher is there in attendance, in order to avoid the royal sweat glands becoming too overworked.

"I flannel his face, give him a bath, shampoo his hair, scrub his nails, clean his ears out, wipe his nose, pick it - if necessary - take him to the lavatory for a wee-wee or a poo-poo, wipe his arse, and mop up his puke, if he has an upset tummy."

Frobisher's work is never done.

"When he's safely tucked up in bed - which I do, of course - I put all his toys and games away, put his bicycle in the royal shed, collect all of his marbles from the floor, and make sure there are no jigsaw puzzle pieces under the chaise longue."

With everything being done for him, said the footman, it's hardly surprising that Prince Andrew's whole body has forgotten how to perspire.

Asked whether he thought Prince Andrew's existence wasn't a bit like that of a young child, Frobisher said:

"Why, yes! I've often thought so myself. I've often remarked to him that he should get out a bit, and have a look around for some other youngsters to play with."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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