Modern cannibalism in this country is under threat due to a small number of old school cannibals eating non-vegans.
‘The public is oblivious to the destructive elements within our movement,’ said Brenda O’Lox from the Nice Cannibals Alliance. ‘Eating non-vegans, especially those that aren’t organic or pesticide-free, turns my stomach, and many are from the unclean, poor lower classes.’
Brenda’s ex-husband, Billy O’Lox, is unrepentant. ‘Yeah, I’ll eat non-vegans and poor ones too, but only at weekends, like after a few pints, with chilli sauce and garlic mayonnaise. These objections aren’t on health or ethical grounds,’ Billy added, ‘todays ‘Woke Champagne Cannibals’ with their hippy dippy hipster ways are simply snobs.’
Brenda rejected that claim, saying she’d divorced Billy after a particularly nasty non-vegan fungal toe nail incident. ‘It was so unhygienic.’
‘I remember that night,’ commented Billy, ‘but it wasn’t infectious, and people eat mushrooms, which are a fungus. Attitudes need to change. In Glasgow they deep fry everything. Kills all the bacteria, and there’s a bounty on every poor person you eat. It’s a public service up there, they welcome it.’
Brenda, with sick bag in hand, commented, ‘He’s barbaric. He’s not a modern cannibal. He’s got no taste.’
Billy continued his unrepentance ‘Some of us like street food. I used to eat it wrapped in newspaper and I turned out fine.’