‘Vegans taste good. Organic Vegans Taste Better’ claim modern Eco-Friendly Cannibals

Funny story written by sean hodgson

Saturday, 11 July 2020

image for ‘Vegans taste good. Organic Vegans Taste Better’ claim modern Eco-Friendly Cannibals
Vegetable on vegetable Mmmm tasty

Modern cannibalism in this country is under threat due to a small number of old school cannibals eating non-vegans.

‘The public is oblivious to the destructive elements within our movement,’ said Brenda O’Lox from the Nice Cannibals Alliance. ‘Eating non-vegans, especially those that aren’t organic or pesticide-free, turns my stomach, and many are from the unclean, poor lower classes.’

Brenda’s ex-husband, Billy O’Lox, is unrepentant. ‘Yeah, I’ll eat non-vegans and poor ones too, but only at weekends, like after a few pints, with chilli sauce and garlic mayonnaise. These objections aren’t on health or ethical grounds,’ Billy added, ‘todays ‘Woke Champagne Cannibals’ with their hippy dippy hipster ways are simply snobs.’

Brenda rejected that claim, saying she’d divorced Billy after a particularly nasty non-vegan fungal toe nail incident. ‘It was so unhygienic.’

‘I remember that night,’ commented Billy, ‘but it wasn’t infectious, and people eat mushrooms, which are a fungus. Attitudes need to change. In Glasgow they deep fry everything. Kills all the bacteria, and there’s a bounty on every poor person you eat. It’s a public service up there, they welcome it.’

Brenda, with sick bag in hand, commented, ‘He’s barbaric. He’s not a modern cannibal. He’s got no taste.’

Billy continued his unrepentance ‘Some of us like street food. I used to eat it wrapped in newspaper and I turned out fine.’

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more