Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken

Written by P.J. Maggitti

Wednesday, 30 October 2019

image for Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken
Vegans believe that turkeys die for our sins.

The West Goshen Vegan Alliance (WGVA), a militant culinary rights group, is holding a special Fat Chance Supper on Saturday November 2 to commemorate the passing of Chef Paul Prudhomme. The late chef is alleged to have created the turducken, "a hideous monstrosity" comprising a deboned chicken shoved inside a deboned duck, which is, in turn, crammed into a deboned or partially deboned turkey. First-cousin avian food porn for the redneck set.

The responsibility for the turducken, in the United States at least, is often laid at the feet of Chef Prudhomme, who hadn’t seen his feet for some time before he died at the age of seventy-five, four years ago. Chef Prudhomme, who weighed more than five hundred pounds for a spell, and cast a shadow over the cooking industry bigger than a Mack truck's, included a recipe for turducken in his 1984 cookbook <em>Paul Prudhomme's Louisiana Kitchen</em>. He is also charged with creating Emeril Lagasse—a spider monkey stuffed inside a baboon stuffed inside a chimpanzee—whom Chef Prudhomme hired to work in his restaurant K-Paul's Louisiana Kitchen circa 1980.

According to WGVA President Swoozie St. Claire, "If the turducken did not exist, nature never would have created it."

There’s a reason that turkeys, chickens, and ducks do not cooperate in any meaningful way to create a turducken. Nature abhors vacuums, hypotheticals, and the gross disregard of species barriers. Therefore, no turkens having it off with ducks; no durkeys shagging chickens. Just like getting busy with like, the way nature likes it.

Despite what some creationists might "teach" their home-schooled chips-off-the-old-salt-licks about God making the turducken "because nothing that perfect could have happened by accident," you cannot pin that one on God. There are enough tails on that donkey already. The creation of the turducken was not an example of intelligent design, any more than the creation of the prostate was; nor did evolution or natural selection have anything to do with this "monument to animal cruelty."

Although other chefs are sometimes mentioned as the “actual creators” of the turducken—a 2005 <em>National Geographic</em> article credits Hebert's Specialty Meats in Maurice, Louisiana, with that distinction—the WGVA is "comfortable with" using Chef Prudhomme’s image to bring their radical vegan message to the public.

"After all," laughs Ms. St. Claire, "he provides such a large image, 'larger than death,' you might say."

Tickets for the Fat Chance Supper are $25 and may be purchased through the #animallivesmatter website. Persons attending are urged to bring a Paul Prudhomme cookbook for the bonfire that will be held on the Hope Solo Memorial Soccer Field, adjacent to the West Goshen Dilligence in Diversity Communal Gathering Hall, where the supper will begin at 7:30. The seitan-tofu turducken will be donated by Chef Rich Landau, owner-operator of Vedge, Philadelphia’s most popular vegan restaurant.

Ms. St. Claire suggested that persons who have had "less than optimal" dining experiences with tofurkeys in the past should not be put off by those experiences.

"No one will associate the words "sawdust" or "plaster of Paris" with the seitan-tofu turducken," says Ms. St. Claire. "It's as moist as the troughs between the fat rolls on a sweaty, five-hundred-pound chef who's marinating in his own juices."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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