The Meat Of The Tale

Written by Backandtotheleft

Thursday, 30 April 2020

image for The Meat Of The Tale
The only meat we at Back and to the Left news will consider eating these days

A notorious Carlisle steak thief has finally being apprehended after police used “baited meat” to lure him into a Londis in rural Cumbria.
Thief, David Pattison, who looks like the back of a spoon had a baby with the Goblin King from Labyrinth, was caught after stealing £89 worth of meat from a Heron and £12 worth from Aldi. An Aldi spokesman said:

"We were surprised he was able to steal so much from us. Usually, to carry that much meat out of the shop would require a wheelbarrow."

Pattison, who turned to theft when he realised he couldn’t be arsed to pay for his drug habit, was said to be surprised that he got caught, allegedly telling police:

"I’m surprised you tracked me down. I was so careful."

But, at his trial, where he was sentenced to twenty-two years, he sounded like a changed man:

"I realise the error of my ways, and I vow never to steal meat or any other food product again. Instead, I’ll concentrate on nicking unattended children’s bikes to fund my habits."

Don’t do drugs, kids. Or only do drugs you can afford without nicking meat, then trying to sell it in pubs to daytime drinkers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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