"Health workers can survive on handouts and clapping," says Cummings

Saturday, 25 April 2020

image for "Health workers can survive on handouts and clapping," says Cummings
"One more clap to get me through this tricky operation."

Creepy adviser to Boris Johnson, Dominic Cummings, has proposed that all health service funding comes from charity singles, after an NHS charity song reached number one in the UK charts.

Cummings was recorded as saying, "If the plebs want to give money to the NHS and clap for it, then let them fund it themselves. I'm fed up having to pay money out of my own government's pockets for this wasteful service which just prolongs the miserable lives of the undesirables and downtrodden."

Tory MP Geoff Waistcoat thought it was a splendid idea. "Those Indian doctors and nurses get more applause than I ever did in my successful career as a hedge fund manager. They can applaud themselves in future. I'm in favour of the government keeping all its money and putting it in a hedge fund of its own - run by me of course."

To replace the £120 billion budget for the NHS with charity singles, everyone in the UK would need to buy 5,000 copies of a charity song each year. However, it would provide a massive boost to the music industry, giving it a subsidy even greater than the NHS. "Now that's what I call charity," grinned Waistcoat. "Excuse me, I need to go and invest in a record company."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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