A woman self-isolating in Mithering on the Trent was shocked to realise that a Terry's Chocolate Orange does not count as one of her five a day.
Tracy Brassingthwaite, a barmaid at the Pigeon and Parakeet on the High Street, has been told, by an expert at the Daily Mail, that the sad truth was that, although her oyfriend, Darren, had repeatedly told her this, she didn't believe him.
'Alright me duck?' she asked in her comedy northern accent. 'I love my Darren, I do, he is thick as pig-shit, mind, but what he lacks in the boardroom, he makes up for in the garden, but I never really believed a word he said, and now it appears that he was right all along!'
'I have also learned that tomato sauce and strawberry jam do not count either. I am so confused. I could crush-a-grape.'