Scott Needham, an unemployable layabout from Blackpool, who still lives with his mum, despite being nearly 30 years old, was filled with relief on Thursday, after doctors gave him the all-clear from the coronavirus, after he coughed non-stop for three hours.
"I was so relieved," said Needham, through sobs. "My mummy took me to the ER because I was coughing so much. I had wet the bed also, but that is a normal occurrence. Anyway, when we got to the hospital, I coughed up a furball! Just like a cat! So they let me go. Good job, too, I was shitting myself all night, not because I was scared, I just always do it."
It turned out that Scott, who is hairy as fuck - I mean like a goddam bear - had been grooming himself excessively, leading to an accumulation of hair that was not able to pass through his digestive system and, instead, got trapped in his stomach.
"I spend 50% of my day licking my hairy hands, before using them to clean my back and hairy feet," explained the simpleton. When asked what he did for the other 50% of his time, he quite happily informed reporters that he rammed objects up his bottom, such as cucumbers, bananas and, whenever he gets a chance, his mum's enormous dildo.