Government Cut Backs On Park Benches To Go Ahead

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 3 March 2020

image for Government Cut Backs On Park Benches To Go Ahead
This man has applied for a mortgage to buy this bench in London

It's been announced in the last few minutes, that the austerity cuts that the country has experienced during the last few years are set to continue, with further cuts, this time to park benches, in a bid to clean up the streets of the vast numbers of homeless vagrants who sleep there.

Statistics show that there are more than 200,000 people throughout the UK who regularly sleep on benches on high streets, in parks, outside shopping centres, along seaside promenades,in railway stations, and in bus stops, and this, says Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has to stop.

Johnson, who had to have the term 'homeless' explained to him by ministers, said there was no excuse for people sleeping on benches, and that those who are 'going through a phase' should grow out of it, and go home to their mums and dads.

Benches will be removed from their current sites starting next month.

Simon Miller, who applied unsuccessfully to his local council for help regarding housing, said:

"I was initially lucky when everyone turned against me. I lost my wife, kids and job, as well as any vestige of self-esteem I might once have clung to, but at least I managed to find a new job and a bench. Now, it looks like I'm going to lose everything."

A unnamed government spokesman said:

"It would be no use explaining the full implications of homelessness to someone as ignorant of the issue as Mr Johnson is. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and his head is in the clouds."

Mr Johnson sold his Islington house for £3.75million last November, and now lives at 10 Downing Street. For a change, he can also decide to go and stay for a few days at his girlfriend, Carrie Symonds' £675,000 flat in Camberwell.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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