Monkey Woods Is Really Football Writer Stuart Mathieson

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Saturday, 22 February 2020

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Cry Me A River Over You

BILLINGSGATE POST: If anyone believed that Monkey Woods isn't who he claims to be, he should feel vindicated. Stuart Mathieson, who covered Manchester United for the Manchester Evening News for 22 years, admitted today that he has been writing for The Spoof ever since he retired from the Evening News in 2017.

Using the improbable moniker, “Monkey Woods”, Mathieson has dominated the Top Writers Chart for the past two years, writing almost exclusively about Manchester United centre-back, Harry Maguire. Using a style more suitable for the Gossip Column, rather than the Sport Page, Mathieson is also wearing out his welcome with The Spoof.

Some of the other writers, including Clive Danton, who himself changed his name after failing as Johnny Shlep, has called for Monkey Woods (Stuart Mathieson) ouster.

Dr. Billingsgate, who also writes for The Spoof, was the first to point out that something was amiss on the the other side of the sink. Unable to reconcile how one writer could publish thirty-three stories in three days on the travails of Manchester United’s Maguire, the good doctor lamented his own fall from the Top Writers Chart.

Slim: “If it were easy to be Top Writer, no one would cheat.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Cry me a river over you.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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