BILLINGSGATE POST: Manchester United’s signing of John Bolton and Bruno Fernandes fell flat in their debut at Old Trafford today. United’s £47 million signing of Bruno and countless millions paid to Bolton to manage the Red Devils resulted in a 0-0 draw with Wolves.
Although Bruno and Bolton (hereto referred to as the Killer B’s) both could claim a Pyrrhic victory, insofar as they didn’t lose, it didn’t amount to a hill of beans as United failed to close the gap on rivals Chelsea in fourth.
Nonplussed, Bolton reached from across the pond to hire Dog the Bounty Hunter to track down the elusive goal.
Dog, who appeared to propose to Moon Angell on a new episode of “Dr. Oz,” is not related to Li’l Wilmer, the diminutive dachshund who currently holds the record for passing two pieces of pepperoni pizza through his alimentary canal in 37 seconds.
Slim: “That’s a lot of news to digest in a five-second sound bite.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Got a date with Dolly the Sheep. Wish me well.”