Ted Parrotman, the man who changed his name and his appearance because he so much wanted to resemble his pet parrots, may have impressed a lot of people, but not the parrots themselves.
They have nothing good to say about him whatsoever.
For personal safety reasons, the parrots have been loath to speak their minds until now, but when Ted recently told them he was going to have his nose surgically chiselled into a beak, their feathers were ruffled, and they have now broken their silence.
Whilst out shopping, Ellie told us:
"I ignore him, for the most part. Yes, he is a fucking clown, but, if I'd said that, who's to know how he would have reacted? I relied on him for my Trill, so it was in my interests to keep my beak shut."
"I've had it with him! Feather tattoos, eye dyes, ears removed, horns, HORNS, I ask you! When did a parrot ever have horns? Now the beak. It's a step too far."
Another one of the parrots, Teaka, said:
"I think his brain is addled. That's if there IS a brain inside that big, dopey tattooed cranium! We live in Bristol, from where, traditionally, lots of pirates sprang. I think he has becomed confused in his old age, and those voices in his head are telling him he wants to be a pirate, not a parrot, but he just can't hear them properly after having had his ears sliced off!"
Butch, who is the most outspoken of the parrots, said:
"I don't like that Eamonn Holmes, but he was spot-on with his sarcastic, condescending interview technique. Ted said he'd been given the 'mental thumbs-up' from the doctor, but, if you believe that, you're even more of a fucking knobhead than he is!"