Boris Johnson's Prime Ministerial Acceptance Speech Leaked to The Spoof

Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 22 July 2019

image for Boris Johnson's Prime Ministerial Acceptance Speech Leaked to The Spoof
"So, Cheryl, have you ever been shagged by a prime minister?"

The Spoof has been given sight of the speech which prime minister-elect Boris Johnson is expected to make on the steps of 10 Downing Street after he has met the Queen on Tuesday. Harking back to the message which his heroine Margaret Thatcher gave to the nation in 1979, he will once again use the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi to set the tone for his government:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow my wild oats;
where there is injury, let me organise the beating up of recalcitrant journalists;
where there is doubt, let me tell you extravagant lies;
where there is despair, let me give tax cuts to the deserving rich;
where there is darkness, let me lead you to the sunlit uplands;
where there is sadness, let me tell you risqué and offensive jokes.

For it is in giving your women to me that we receive;
it is in pardoning my peccadillos that we are pardoned;
and it is in Brexit that we are born to eternal life.

A Downing Street insider told The Spoof "If this buffoon thinks he'll have it easy from us, he's even more of a fantasist than we thought! Already, we've got itching powder to put in his pants, and bromide to put in his tea. We're also going to surround him with all our black or Muslim staff. We'll sort out the bastard."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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