Manchester City football manager and self-professed humble peasant, Pep Guardiola, has been controversially nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. The move follows a behind-the-scenes sponsorship deal between the Nobel Committee and the owners of Manchester City, the Abu Dhabi royal family.
It is understood that buckets of cash were unloaded at Oslo airport from specially purposed planes and trucked into Oslo over a 12-hour nonstop period. It is believed that enough money was paid out to ensure undisputed “dominance” of the prize for the next 20 years by Manchester City.
One triumphant City fan broke into the BBC on air shouting “How many Peace Prizes does Mo Salah have!?” before asking Louise Minchin to autograph his leg.
“We are a humble club,” whispered Guardiola from behind a curtain in the dormitory of an enclosed order of monks outside Manchester. “We bring justice to the oppressed everywhere. On my first day in Manchester, I travelled to the Etihad by mule, until I reached a spot near the corner flag where I felt the voice of Cruyff say ‘Pep, here you will build a football club with the help of unlimited petrodollars from a tyrannical regime in the Middle East. The football you play will bring justice to revolutionary indigenous peoples and their fight to obtain tickets.’"
It isn’t all bread and roses though. “I insist all my players crawl on their knees every morning to our training base where we train by candlelight. We eat food that we grow ourselves. This gives our first XI the religious power to defeat everyone else in the league. We win because of truth and justice. That and a £60 million player in every position.”
Pep claims he is personally wounded by accusations that City have turned football into a farce. “You accuse me of money? I take from the rich and I give to the poor. I make my own clothes out of sackcloth in the middle of the night. My wife has no money for shoes because we give all our money to freedom fighters in North Korea.”