Nigel Farage: "I can't stop eating voles"

Thursday, 16 May 2019

image for Nigel Farage: "I can't stop eating voles"
In a post-Brexit Britain, voles will be eaten by all, predicts Farage

Eight-times failed MP and part-time political figure Nigel Farage has revealed an unusual dietary habit: he eats at least one whole vole every day.

He began the habit while spending time in Strasbourg as a member of the European Parliament, where voles are a delicacy. "They call them vole-au-vongs there," he explained.

He has since discovered that "voling" is an old tradition in parts of the UK. Hundreds of years ago, people would chase voles with metal clubs and hammers, and smash them before eating their remains. It is a tradition Farage wishes to revive, but he's being hampered by legislation.

"Technically, voling is a bloodsport," he complained. "So it's only allowed if you use a plastic seaside spade to club the poor creature to death, and that takes ages." He admitted that he had managed to kill and eat two voles that way, but found it too exhausting. Instead, he now orders the creatures from a vole farm in Poland.

There are many different ways to prepare a vole for cooking. In Alsace, they are flambeed with horse liver, but Farage says that he prefers to eat them raw, as ancient Britons supposedly did in pre-Roman times. "They are chewy and stringy," he said, "But who am I to say no to our traditional British way of life?"

Farage hopes that, after Brexit, voling will be allowed to return to Britain, and we will all be tucking into the little rodents three times a day. "After all," insisted Farage, "It's what the people voted for."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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