Downing Street spokesmen today announced what many have suspected for some time now. At 16.45 a press conference was called outside Number 10, attended by many senior Ministers including Gordon Brown.
After formal investigations and an inquest that has cost the tax payer in excess of half a million pounds, it was announced that Tony Blair is a tosser.
Government Spokesman Robert Slinger told the press:
"It was hard for us to see at first but after a lot of video analysis and going over his speeches with a fine tooth comb it's hard to deny that Tony really is a tosser. We're quite upset we didn't notice before. What a tosser."
As evidence massed it became undeniable. That football kick, his slightly effeminate mannerisms and voice and those hand gestures straight out of a sales seminar left many of us without doubt that the Prime Minister was a class A tosser, but not the parliamentarians. Hardly surprising as weeding out one tosser could leave a large number of MPs and Ministers exposed to the risk of also being identified.
The Spoof's insider at Westminster confirmed "...that's right, the Westminster estate is full of 'em, tossers, w*nkers and complete sh*ts. I've never seen a place so full of tossers! Tossers everywhere!"
The Spoof asked a happy, rejoicing Gordon Brown for his opinion on the matter but he refused to comment
"I think I've made my thoughts clear on this matter and I have nothing else to say - ha ha haaar" stated slimey Brown smugly after strangely contorting his mouth and chin.
The press conference continued for over an hour. Margaret Beckett took the stand for a time and added some kind words stating
"Its true, Tony is a tosser and many of us suspected this for some time. I just hope Tony can move on and deal with this problem. This doesn't mean he will always be a tosser and there are many tossers that have battled on and ended up not being tossers - Michael Portillo for example".
A statement was also read from George W Bush which said "I will abidefiy by the reports contentment and can only say that yes, Tony is a tosser and most of us folks can recognisify that predicamenthood.".
Professional oaf John Prescott, in gruff northern tones added "With a wife like that he couldn't be much else other than a complete tosser."
The Spoof interviewed one of Blair's spoiled kids who said "Yes dad is a right tosser. He can't play football, is crap at darts and holds his knife and fork like a pen - what a tosser!".
Whinging Ministers and MPs all agreed that for a long time the wool had been disgracefully pulled over their eyes. Some blamed the electorate, others their own busy lifestyles but all agreed that Tony really was a complete and utter tosser.
In an exclusive interview with The Spoof via satellite link-up from another ponsey pop star's luxury home he'd blagged for the week, Tony smoked pot and told us;
"Hands up. Bang to rights. They got me. I thought i'd got away with it but fair play to the lot of 'em. I'm a tosser. I just can't believe I got away with being a tosser for so long. I thought the game was up when they asked me to kick that f**king ball."
Mr Blair didn't feel that it would effect his post political career, commenting "just look at Jeffrey Archer - ex con and still a tosser but he's doing alright!"
A Tory spokesman put the announcement down to further New Labour spin in a cynical attempt to get the voting public to believe that they didn't realise their leader was a tosser.
"We at Conservative Central Office find it strange that all of a sudden New Labour has realised they elected a tosser. Now they're trying to pretend they knew all along and want to do something about it."
