Amid frantic efforts to clarify Irish border issues post-Brexit, the government has clean forgotten to forge a deal with Santa Claus. His route famously takes him across the Irish Sea and, more significantly, straight through the Irish border at Roslea, County Fermanagh.
A spokesman for the British government suggested contingency plans had been made. "Should Santa Claus no longer pass through the country, he will be replaced by Santa Gove or Santa Rees-Mogg. Children won't notice the difference."
A disconsolate Santa commented: "The reindeer will suffer, as will my helpers. I feel we have been somewhat ignored at the negotiating table. Of course, I am always willing to compromise, but it is difficult with all these naughty people telling childish fibs. I really don't know what to do. And also, Theresa has not once consulted the UFG (Union of Fairies and Goblins) with regard to further development. I accept her plans are based on myth, so perhaps she should include members of folklore to assist her. Up to now, I thought Parliament was doing quite a good job in that respect......ooohhhh I didn't want to hurt anyone there...ho, ho, ho.."
The Prime Minister recently hinted that a bill was being drafted specifying that 'sleighs and men with white beards travelling with caribou-like beasts of the Arctic or reinsdyr, commonly known as 'reindeer', from the Norwegian mountain regions, pulling parcels varying in colour composition, and of flashy, tawdry or gaudy manifestation' could be exempted from any backstop agreement concluded with the EU. Jean-Claude Juncker, EU President, however, stated that Santa Claus would still have to pay the €7 fee, like all others from the UK, if he then returned to the European mainland, and any creatures involved may be subject to lengthy quarantine periods. Talks continue.....