Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 4 May 2018

image for Newspaper Headlines Roundup
Real newspapers are not Fakebook

In a diatribe today under the headline "Brexit Traitors", Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre, writing from his EU funded estate in Scotland, rails against the length of time Brexit is taking. He calls Prime MInister Theresa May a "fucking Remainer bitch" and calls for her to resign and to be replaced by Boris Johnson, whom Dacre calls "a man of the highest integrity" and not the idiotic clown he pretends to be.

The Guardian however takes the opposite position and calls for May to sack "buffoon" Johnson. Its front page also focuses on scientific evidence that making homemade marmalade, wearing muesli sweaters and growing a beard does not necessarily make you a liberal, even if you are a woman.

Under the headline "Phwooar! Royal Family" The Sun claims to have the inside story on the underwear which younger female members of the Royal Family are expected to wear to Harry and Meghan's wedding. It uses Meghan and Kate lookalikes to model what seems to be a plethora of styles, shapes and sizes, including peekaboob bras, thongs, open and split crotch panties. It even claims that Pippa Middleton refuses to ever wear knickers as it would spoil the curvature of her bum.

The Daily Star has the shock news that it will become what is known as a "graphic newspaper." From 1st June it will portray news items in comic strip form so as to make it easier for its readers to comprehend difficult news stories such as the so-called Royal Wedding.

Economic experts writing in The Financial Times point to evidence that the only beneficiaries of so-called Brexit will be financiers with offshore US Dollar bank accounts, among them clients of Tory MPs John Deadwood and Jacob Rees-Smug.

The Daily Express leads with claims that drinking Bailey's Irish Cream or sherry in old age can stave off Alzheimer's disease, despite scientific evidence that imbibing said beverages are a symptom of the disease itself.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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