For years, the post-apocalyptic wasteland between Edinburgh and Glasgow has been a hotspot of UFO sightings. This weekend three more unusual craft were observed over the chippies and needle exchanges of Falkirk.
Local UFO spotter Bob McJobbie had a theory. "They're here for their chips," he said confidently.
McJobbie used to work part-time in a chip shop and said that on many evenings, vast, inhuman creatures would stumble in, buy some deep-fried foodstuffs and then stagger off into the night, never to be seen again.
"Some o' them were definitely aliens," said Bob.
Other UFO experts agreed. Professor of Extraterrestrial Life at the University of Kirkintilloch, Geoff Bacca, said that he was worried about a potential obesity crisis among aliens. "They are eating so much fatty food that it can't be good for them. But in some ways, maybe it's better for us humans if we can tempt them with our black pudding and chips so much that they are too overstuffed to be able to invade."