Gay tarantulas' behaviour revealed

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Friday, 27 October 2017

image for Gay tarantulas' behaviour revealed
This spider was found loitering around a public toilet

Most people have heard of gay penguins, but gay spiders? Professor Quentin Webb of the University of West Ingtime has spent years studying them and has published his astonishing findings.

According to Professor Webb, homosexuality is rampant among the tarantula community. He explained, "If you can imagine an arachnid version of the Village People, then that is your typical spider colony. They will walk along holding pedipalps, it's really queer."

It is unknown why it is so prevalent, but one reason could be that among tarantulas the female usually eats the male after coitus. By mating with other males, they avoid this almost certain death situation. They are then more likely to survive long enough to breed, and pass on their gay genes to the next generation just before being eaten. It is Darwinism in action, sort of.

Despite the flawed logic, other scientists have backed up the claims. Professor Arachnus Cockmuncher of the Gay Animal Institute in Anus, Texas, has done similar studies. However, he has observed different behaviour - sometimes sodomising spiders will attempt to eat each other after the act.

Professor Cockmuncher said, "By attempting the act of post-coital cannibalism, we can see that they may not be gay after all. In fact these could be the first confirmed transsexual tarantulas."

In response, the Professor has designed numerous sets of high heels and skirts for spiders and is planning to dress up his lab animals for a new webcam show.

He continued, "There may be other unusual sexual behaviours we are yet to observe in spiders such as bestiality, a foot fetish, or a desire to be tied up. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get back to my lab for some happy time."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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